AS a poster girl for American democracy, Tina C is selling a unique vision of hope to the rest of the world – whether they want it or not. But for this country music superstar, Christmas is the most special time of year. Ahead of her fabulous seasonal show at Komedia on Weds 21 Dec, she’s offering a few tips on how to give your life seasonal sizzle!
Here’s how to enjoy yourself at Christmastime courtesy of me, Tina C…
Worried about weight gain this yuletide? Why not plan to split up with your partner on the 28th of December? The attendant worry and gloominess will ensure you lose tonnes of weight and can gorge yourself silly in honour of Jesus’ birthday. Which is surely what the Lord God intended us to do.
It’s better to give than receive, the saying goes. So, my advice is: ‘Give everyone you know a list of presents they can give to you’. How good will that make them feel? How giving are you? You’re almost a saint.
There’s nothing worse than an unwanted gift. So always, always include the receipt so the recipient can exchange it for something they really want without having to embarrass themselves by telling you. Or remove any doubt of a rejected gift by purchasing my yuletide album, I’m Dreaming Of A White Trash Christmas. Just search online for Tina C.
Did you make your Christmas cake in mid-September? No. Then it’s TOO LATE! It pains me to say this but you’re stuck with an inferior shop-bought one and your family and friends will pity you. Sorry to be harsh but you’re an adult now – make a resolution to plan better for next year.
Sick of the same old Christmas movies year after year? Quickly channel hop between several old favourites and make up your own plot. Last year, with skilful remote control action, I managed to craft my own movie about a nun leaving a convent to work on a steamboat with lots of spotty puppies. She was visited by three ghosts, travelled back in time to her own high school prom and stopped a train with a pair of red knickers, all while saving the world with a different pair of red panties outside her slacks. See what fun you can have!
If you’re short on cash this year why not skilfully initiate several family feuds? You will not have to purchase gifts for many relatives and can make it all up just before New Year’s. Blessed is the peacemaker!
I’m hardly alone in declaring that Christmas is my favourite time of year. It’s a time when people of all faiths and religions can come together to celebrate the birth of one little baby who would be our Savior. That means a lot in this crazy old world of ours
The story of Christmas is that of Jesus being born to lowly, poverty-stricken parents who didn’t really understand what they had in their midst. As I have laid bare in my autobiography, I know all about that. The similarities are scary! I ain’t saying I’m like Jesus – that would be crazy foolishness. If anything I’m more like God. Like him I’m loving, powerful, compassionate, and yes, occasionally, wrathful.
Each year when the Christmas comes around and folks worldwide huddle down with their families or their TVs, my thoughts always turn to one special thing: my Christmas album, I’m Dreaming of A White Trash Christmas. It’s been a certified best seller every holiday season for years now. And that represents minimum effort for maximum reward, which I like and capitalism loves.
I loved recording that album with my special guests, the Nashville Philharmonic Orchestra. The string part alone on Ho Ho Ho (Down) makes me feel so seasonal I could spontaneously sprout tinsel, and the gospel choir on My Dog Died at Christmas sends shivers down my spine. The August we spent recording that project during the emotionally turbulent summer of 2006 was like a life raft in the ocean of woe.
I remember duetting with Kiri Te Kanawa on my song Everyday Is Like Christmas Day (I Feel Fat & Bored). We were having the best time. She was into deep into HRT meds at the time and I had mistakenly had my first non-decaffeinated coffee since the early 90s. When it got to the killer last line… “One more day like this I’m gonna have to sleigh”, Kiri started giggling. And I started. And that was it. We had to call it a night, eat pizza (well she did) and try again the next morning. You can still hear a giggle in our voices. Such crazy, wild times!
Just remember – you are the reason for the season! That’s what I always say and you know what – it always is!
Don’t love me too much!
Tina C’s I’m Dreaming of a White Trash Xmas comes to Brighton’s Komedia on Weds 21 Dec 2016