How To Cheat At Student Life

You’re young (probably), away from home (likely) and have plenty of time on your hands (especially if you’re doing humanities), so now is the time to have some proper fun away from the disappointed gaze of your parents. Don’t let the miniscule size of your student loan drag you down, there’s plenty of opportunities to live student life to the fullest when you’re at university. The only thing holding you back is the scale of your ambition.


Your student card is like the proverbial Golden Ticket. It will reduce the price of almost anything in a wide range of establishments. From food to art supplies, or sex toys to office furniture, Brighton & Hove is full of businesses desperate to embrace the student market. So flash that little bit of plastic whenever you can. But why stop there? Try using it as an ice cream scoop.


Getting around the city can be expensive and loaded with effort. If you can’t even afford the very reasonable bus fares the city enjoys, because you’ve spunked all your spare cash on festival tickets, then it’s time to get inventive. Encourage one of your housemates to buy a tandem. The first time you get to steer it, go careering into a solid object. This will ensure you get to sit at the back for the rest of term, enabling you to turn up at lectures looking fresh and feeling relaxed. If you find your student accommodation near a river, why not take a canoe into class? Even if you live down London Road, there will be many winter days when this proves a wise and practical option. The addition of some roller skates to a wind-surfing board also makes a stylish form of transport. Imagine the expressions of amazement from onlookers, as you sail past on your way to the gym.


Keep your swimsuit bits nice and clean. That way you’ll ensure repeat custom in the bedroom department. But keeping clothes fresh is a different problem. Of course there is the time-honoured practice of turning your underwear inside out to eke out a few more days’ wear. But when the air becomes too foul, simply chuck all your apparel in the bath and throw in some washing-up liquid. “What’s that lemon smell?” your compatriots will cry, but at least they’re not looking around to see where the cheese board might be. Otherwise, freezing your clothes also works a treat.


Consider the benefits of donating your time. Volunteering at festivals is a great way to spend your summer at all the big events. Likewise, helping out at your local soup kitchen will hopefully ensure you’ll never go hungry. And it’ll look good on any CV, unless you’ve aspirations to be an arms dealer for a UKIP MP. For the less compassionate or motivated, there’s always a customer service department hoping to be abused somewhere. Fire off endless emails of complaint, pretending your bag of crisps has been contaminated by the gear-knob from a 1980s Ford Capri, and you’ll be surprised at how eager companies are to buy your silence. Next thing you know, your dank student hovel will be awash with free food.


Going out every night can be costly. So you’ll have to be clever about it. Confidentially marching into a club, whilst wearing a suit and high-fiving the door staff, will usually make everyone think you ‘A Somebody’, which should engender free entry and perhaps more. If you haven’t got any nice clothes, then it’s no problem. Just brush your hair to look as stupid as possible, cover a box in silver foil and everyone will think you’re a DJ. Just walk up, ask what mixer the venue has and the staff will practically carry you in on their shoulders. Failing that, just become a DJ. It’s pretty easy. Randoms will buy you drinks and sexual partners will literally throw themselves at you for a brief moment in the limelight. All for the price of a few shit 80s and 90s records which everybody pretends to like.


You’ll have to do some eventually. Lecturers are inevitably going to get in the way of your hedonistic search for leisure time perfection. But if you are hell bent on drawing your only human contact for weeks on end from the presenters of [Bargain Hunt], then there are some solutions. Try and live with someone more dedicated and intelligent than you. Then buy their notes in any way you see fit – the level of deviousness or immorality is entirely up to you. Alternatively, sail through your first year doing less than the bare minimum, then at the end cry and protest that you’ve been having trouble with your accommodation. It’s a widely known fact that tears can win over even the most hardened of lecturers.

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