Quiz: The Chips are Town

With the Delta variant playing havoc with the government’s plans to ease lockdown, it looks less and less likely that holidays abroad are going to be on the cards this year. Instead, the staycation is going to enjoy its moment in the spotlight that little bit longer. And what better way to get to know your own country, and perhaps find some inspiration regarding where to visit, than a frustrating and occasionally infuriating cryptic quiz? I agree – almost any way imaginable would be better, but cryptic nonsense is what you’ve got, so tough break.

In its defence, the quiz wasn’t created to be a guided tour of Britain, rather I’m shamelessly (and, I think we can all agree, tenuously) linking it today’s expected announcement of the easing of lockdown to be delayed, as a classic example of cheap journalistic chicanery. Equally shameless are those questions which I’ve flagrantly wagged from other quiz rounds when quizzing became de rigeur last year. So, in a statement which my (make-believe) lawyer advised me to include, all credits are given to whoever thought of those ones first, I owe you a beer. To collect that beer, go into any pub in town and yell “I HAVE GENITAL WARTS” six times – all the landlords in Brighton will know what it means.

To the quiz! Below are clues to 50 well known towns and cities throughout the UK. See how many you can get – good luck! Answers are at the bottom.

  1. Modern fortress
  2. Where the cook picks crops
  3. Genuine oar movement
  4. A quick ringer
  5. Neck and above stuck in a hole in the country
  6. Cannibal who devours previous partners
  7. Writing implements with small insects
  8. The darkest water
  9. Dog controllers
  10. People’s rock
  11. Nibble your way through a female wizard
  12. The safest way to eat dangerous cheese
  13. Chief among garden doors
  14. Harbour’s cake hole
  15. Where a bullock would cross a river
  16. If the singer Vera were a male monarch
  17. How to inform the manufacturer that your Fiesta has a problem
  18. Henry Vlll’s Court at the top of the compass

    I’m not telling you which question this relates to, or it would be too easy
  19. Order a drinking vessel to leave
  20. After the meal the plate is still full
  21. Originated not in the west
  22. Where cows are milked in a capital city
  23. An ocean of cygnets
  24. Affix tightly
  25. Store fortified wine
  26. Finished the fourth letter
  27. The very bottom of the compass
  28. Heavy toilet
  29. Where to go swimming in Dorset
  30. A female servant’s rock
  31. The last place for a burial
  32. An appropriate place for a tea party
  33. Between six and eight trees
  34. A pond of offal
  35. A small carpet and a buzzing insect
  36. Part of a boat
  37. A big grassy area with a male owner
  38. A ship’s company
  39. Vermillion vehicle
  40. Escort for Mr Pitt?
  41. A modern version of Noah’s boat
  42. Destroys pink meat
  43. How you get into your new house
  44. Paul Hollywood’s advice to contestants?
  45. Home for rubber ducks
  46. Witches attempt a get-together
  47. Hirsute Cortina
  48. Rouse meadow
  49. Two thirds of a Nestlé chocolate bar
  50. Atoll named after Marx (or Lenny and Homer’s friend)
Not actually a pond of offal at all. In fact really rather lovely

1) Newcastle, 2) Sheffield, 3) Truro, 4) Belfast, 5) Edinburgh, 6) Exeter, 7) Penzance, 8) Blackpool, 9) Leeds, 10) Folkestone, 11) Norwich, 12) Caerphilly, 13) Gateshead, 14) Portsmouth, 15) Oxford, 16) King’s Lynn, 17) Telford, 18) Northampton, 19) Glasgow, 20) Nuneaton, 21) Eastbourne, 22) Londonderry, 23) Swansea, 24) Bolton, 25) Stockport, 26) Dundee, 27) Southend, 28) Luton, 29) Poole, 30) Maidstone, 31) Gravesend, 32) Boston, 33) Seven Oaks, 34) Liverpool, 35) Rugby, 36) Hull, 37) Mansfield, 38) Crewe, 39) Redcar, 40) Bradford, 41) Newark, 42) Wrexham, 43) Newquay, 44) Bakewell, 45) Bath, 46) Coventry, 47) Hereford, 48) Wakefield, 49) York, 50) Carlisle

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