Incredible Hulk

The Infuriators

There are some people in this world that just infuriate. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad people (it does, but I’m trying to show tolerance), just that certain aspects of them are unbelievably, teeth-grindingly, blood-boilingly, fist-clenchingly, hair-pulling-outingly – well, you get the idea: annoying.

Whether they be inconsiderate, pompous, or simply Simon Cowell, their actions can ruin a person’s day, and it is our duty as responsible citizens to point at and ridicule these people until they stop behaving in such fashion, as their so-called friends clearly aren’t stepping up and enlightening them about their erroneous ways.

It seems strange that such a brand of people doesn’t have a descriptive label (well yes, but can’t use that, there might be children about). Consequently, I propose we conceive one, and we christen these maddening protagonists, the Infuriators.

Listed below are a soupçon of those infuriators which, if nothing else, can act as a cathartic run-through of the disdained, and perhaps the knowledge that someone else also finds it annoying when a person says “bless me” after sneezing, might give you some comfort. And you never know, if this list can help just one person realise the error of their ways, well, it will have made the world a better place…

Let’s be honest, though, it won’t.

The List

Anyone who has ever made any of the following jokes: “You’ve missed a bit”, “Do you want some coffee with your sugar?” “Did you manage to get any paint on the walls?” These have never, and will never, be considered funny in any situation, ever.

People that try and drag you onto the dance floor when you’ve clearly chosen not to go on there.

Anyone that finishes sentences that aren’t questions with an upwards inflection. Unforgivable.

The people who decide on behalf of society who is classified as a “celebrity”. See almost any show on ITV2, populated by nobodies and has-beens, for examples. Being a douchebag’s other half does not make you a celebrity. This is a fact. At least, it used to be.

Wannabe music aficionados describing any performance as being “raw”, “stripped back”, “organic” or “painfully honest”. Here’s something that’s painfully honest – you’re a pretentious twat.

Anyone that’s ever said “Cheer up!” to someone who’s fed up. That’s not advice, it’s just something that highlights to everyone else that they’re feeling down. Now they feel worse.

Unhappy Girl
“Cheer up, you say? Have you not seen my bottom lip?!”

Skateboarders that insist on skating down the road as if they’re traffic, fully in the knowledge that we can’t, as we’d like to, mow them down. Also, thinking about it, all other skateboarders. Especially if you’re over the age of 25 – come on.

People that announce place names as if they live there in a mistaken attempt to sound well-travelled and multicultural. Istanbul is not spelt Eeeshtanbul anymore that New York is spelt Noo Yoik, but you don’t say that do you? You’re from Tunbridge Wells, you smug tool!

Phone users who walk down the street holding their mobile like a slice of pizza and conducting their phone call on speaker. We don’t want to hear about your day. I doubt the person on the other end of your phone does either, but they made the mistake of answering the phone to you, we didn’t!

People who write Z’s as 3’s. Who on earth started that? And in fact, while we’re on it, people that draw a needless line through the middle of a 7. What’s the point of that? Are you crossing it out? Was the 7 an error? I see no other reason why a line would be drawn through it. Would you draw a line through a 2? Of course you wouldn’t – not unless you were crossing it out! It’s ridiculous.

People that use the word ‘flavour’ when talking about something other than food or drink. (Not naming any names, Craig David…)

Anyone who’s ever been a judge on, a contestant on, or a viewer of, The Voice.

People that say “Joke!” after they make a joke. If it needs pointing out, it can’t really be considered a joke.

Smokers (or, worse still, chuffing vapers) who stand in shop doorways smoking and vaping. Thanks guys – just what I’m after when coming out of Sainsbury’s with my fresh fruit and veg, a lush second-hand lungful of smoke or some weirdly scented toxic cloud of grossness.

9/10 of all Turner Prize nominees.

Teenagers (or worse, if adults) who walk around showing up to 70% of their underpants, and spend around 50% of their time grabbing and tugging their trousers to stop them falling the rest of the way down. I just- I just can’t fathom why you’d want to!?

Dog owners that dress their mutts up in ridiculous garb and claim the dog loves it. I know dogs aren’t supposed to have the concept of self-awareness, but when they’re dressed as the sailor from YMCA, their haunted eyes say different.

Dressed up Dogs
“This is so humiliating.”

Sticking with dogs, anyone with a dog harder than them – it doesn’t carry over and make you tough, old boy. Just get something cuddly like you want to.

The parents of anyone called Tarquin, Horatio, Portia, Veronica, India, Quentin, Cuthbert, Hugo, Cecil, Prue, Violet, Verity, Percy, Muffy, Bunny, or Monty.

Men that wear their shirts with three or more buttons open – unless they’re on holiday, in a porno, or Simon Cowell.

Simon Cowell.

Anyone who believes throw cushions serve a purpose.

People that pronounce the “a” in theatre.

People that email you asking you to do something by thanking you for doing it. E.g., “Thank you for including this in next month’s newsletter.” Don’t thank me! That’s the first I’ve heard of it! a) I’ve not done it yet. b) It’s arrogant to assume I will just because you’ve said so. c) I’m not going to do it.

Winkers. (I said winkers). Specifically, men that wink, and particularly those that wink at you the first time they’ve been introduced to you. That’s not endearing or bonding, or whatever the hell you think it is – unless you think it’s creepy. Because it’s creepy. Control those lids.

Cats. They’re dicks. And who decided one playing the piano was so bloody hilarious? I’m an incompetent moron who can’t play the piano either, but when I try, I get yelled at not lauded as a comedy genius!

Young toffs who wear coloured shirts with white collar and cuffs. Extra odium is bestowed upon those who combine this with any or all of the following: braces, bouffant hair, an aggressively pin-striped suit, a ludicrously oversized watch, a wallet full of fifties. We get it – you like money!

People that eat in McDonalds four times a week on a regular basis, and complain that they’re broke and plump. It’s not rocket science, folks.

People that give themselves nicknames. That’s not your job. We have a nickname for you, but it’s probably one that is more often used behind your back.

The cast and crew of EastEnders. Jeez, someone crack a joke!

Simon Cowell. Just making sure you didn’t miss him the first time.

Anyone who regularly breeches sneezing etiquette, in any of the following ways:

  • Adding the actual phonetic word “atchoo” after the main event. The invention of this word was purely for writing down the sound of a sneeze, it’s quite unnecessary to add it to the sneeze itself. You might as well shout “SNEEZE” as you do it.
  • Extending the end of the sneeze in a high pitched, massively exaggerated “OOOOOOOOooooooooo”. Why don’t you just sneeze normally then stand up and call to everyone “Hey everyone! EVERYONE! Pay me attention. I just sneezed! Isn’t that great? Everyone? Isn’t that great?” That is what everyone knows you to be doing. Stop it.
  • Anyone that says “bless you” or, God forbid, “bless me” after they themselves have sneezed. Particular disgruntlement reserved for those that do that when they’re on their own. I don’t know for sure who this includes, but I’ve got my suspicions…
Sneeze technique: 10/10. Necklace: 2/10.

People under thirty that say “Ah, bless.” Don’t talk like an old dear. Even more annoying if you follow “Ah, bless” with “their cotton socks”. Idiotic. Socks don’t need blessing. And if they did, it would be discrimination to only bless those made from cotton. So there: you’re a bigot and a twat.

Anyone who claims to be unimpressed by the Red Arrows. What’s wrong with you?

Men who wear woolly hats on roasting hot days. I know you want to try and look cool, but that’s just silly. If you’re determined to wear a hat, at least wear one that’s functionally appropriate for the weather: why not try a sombrero? Believe it or not, you’ll get less people laughing at you.

Chavs (obviously). Specifically, chavs in denial who ridicule other chavs for being chavs, seemingly oblivious of their own exact, matching chavness. I don’t know what kind of magic your mirror is practising, but if it’s giving you the thumbs up each morning, it’s got to be of a very dark variety.

Simon Cowell.

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