Christmas Crackers

What Do You Get…?

If ever we were in need of some festive light relief, it is now. And one source of humour (admittedly, a generous use of the word) we can always rely on, is the humble Christmas Cracker Joke. I capitalise this small tradition, as a token of the reverence with which we, as a nation, hold it in. Ostensibly they’re little more than a bad Dad Joke (also capitalised, for similar reasons) written on a small piece of paper, often with the pun section of the punchline (as 95% of them are just a cheap pun) written in italics, just to be absolutely sure we couldn’t miss the ‘hilarity’ that was otherwise about as subtle as a shit in a lift.

But it is the crapness of the jokes that we all love and is what keeps the tradition alive. If they were genuinely funny and elicited proper laughter, rather than a pantomime groan of despair, we wouldn’t like it. For actual funny things, we’ve got stand-ups and comedians, and TV and films galore. We want naff cheese! We want ludicrous set ups that ask us what we’d get if we crossed two things whose crossing in real life would unquestionably raise some eyebrows. We want the glory of trying to work out what the answer might be before whoever asked us, holding the audience captive by the power of the tiny scroll in their hand, puts us out of our misery with an answer sure to prompt a new chorus of groans (the bigger the better), followed by a simmering titter of amusement – more amused with ourselves for kind of finding it funny, than for the joke itself.

This year there’s a new class of Cracker Joke, tailoring themselves to the year that’s just been. And whilst comedians talk about the secret of humour being in the specifics, fear not: the fact that these jokes focus on this specific year, doesn’t mean they are any funnier, or any less groan-inducing (which sounds wrong, but I’m rising above it and implore you to do so, too, we’re nearly at the jokes) than the traditional, humble, awesome, festive masterpiece that is the Christmas Cracker Joke.

Here are the top 10 cracker jokes as ranked by TV channel, Gold.

  1. What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.
  2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa’s workshop? Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate.
  3. Why didn’t Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.
  4. Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.
  5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the “Arrrr!” rate had risen.
  6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, IT’S BEHIND YOU!
  7. Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

    Zoom Meeting
    Having a drink that close to your laptop is practically showboating
  8. Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
  9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.
  10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.

And, because it’s Christmas, here are ten more of our favourites. Unrelated to 20-shitting-20, these are timeless belters, every single one of them – each one ready to make you groan. (Oh, stop it!) MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Camels: pretty funny on their own
  1. What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck? A Christmas quacker.
  2. What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross Mouse Cards.
  3. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  4. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we’ll go places.
  5. What carol is heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful.
  6. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
  7. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson.
  8. What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker.
  9. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show.
  10. What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? A barber-queue.

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